Smokey on Sports, 668 words

I have a sneaky suspicion that Major League Baseball has hired a scriptwriter from the World Wrestling Federation this season. It’s the only thing I can think of to explain all the craziness.

Already this season teams have set records with the number of suspensions slapped against them. Everybody is fighting; players, coaches, umpires, and even fans. It’s pandemonium!

I first noticed the WWF-like influence on baseball in April. That’s when the Detroit Tigers and Chicago White Sox punched, clawed and kicked each other like they were battling in a "Summer Slam Steel Cage Match." It was a Herculean bench-clearing brawl that left players from both teams bloodied and bruised.

My suspicions of a scriptwriter grew stronger when I noticed the emergence of baseball’s villains. Like their pro-wrestling counterparts, these guys are arrogant, insulting, and take pride in knowing that they are hated by thousands of fans. John Rocker was the first to attract attention when he said all those nasty things about Mets fans in Sports Illustrated. His half-hearted apologies, pompous smirk and taunting of the fans has lead me to believe that he gets paid by the number of people he can turn against him.

Dodger’s catcher Chad Krueter turned into "Krueter the Barbarian" this season when he attacked a fan at Wrigley Field. The thug claims his hat was stolen and he was just trying to get it back. I suppose using a choke-hold, a la WWF superstar the Kane, is more persuasive than if Krueter would have called security.

Baseball, not unlike pro-wrestling, decided to pit two heroes against each other in July. Red Sox hurler Roger Clemens was allegedly gunning for Mike Piazza’s head. The ball smacked into Piazza’s helmet and dropped the Yankee catcher to the ground in a heap. Clemens would have been kinder to have whacked Piazza across the back of the head with a folding chair.

The men in a blue are taking a beating this season too. More umpires are getting bumped, shoved and bopped around than any other season I can remember. The most notable incident involved Red Sox Slugger Carl Everett. He bumped chests with an umpire and then finished him off with a head butt. Everett was upset that the man behind the plate kept reminding him that both feet have to be inside the batter’s box.

How long has Carl Everett been playing this game? He knew that rule when he was 4-years-old. So why the sudden burst of rage? I think it’s what was called for in the script.

Call me crazy, but it just seems as if baseball is incorporating more and more plot lines from the WWF. Maybe it’s hoping to attract a younger, hipper, wrestling crowd. Maybe wrestling big wig Vince McMahon has threatened to start his own baseball league, like he’s doing with football and the new XFL. Okay. I know. It’s probably just my own paranoia, but if I’m right about the scriptwriter, here are my predictions for next season.

Home runs won’t count if the pitcher can catch the batter before he reaches home plate and body slam him.

Mark McGwire will start wearing purple boots that lace up to his knees. This shouldn’t hurt his game since he can’t run anyway.

Players will be required to have a scantily clad girlfriend with them at all times.

Former pro-wrestler Jesse Ventura will resign as Governor of Minnesota and become the new Commissioner of Baseball.

The "World Champion" title will be given to the team that sells the most merchandise

Pete Rose will change his name to "Red Death", start wearing a mask that only has holes for his eyes and sneak back into the majors.

Yea, I realize the odds of that last prediction coming true are not very good. After all, with the direction the league is headed why would Pete Rose want to be a part of it?

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