By Larry "Smokey" Gifford
IPS Features

Nude Volleyball in the Olympics?

I was going to tell you all about the Olympics in Sydney so you can talk about it at work in the morning, but I can’t. I haven’t watched a wink of them. That’s okay because neither have your co-workers. Just walk in tomorrow, tell everyone how much you’re enjoying the Olympics and then mention as an aside that you can’t believe that nude volleyball has finally become an Olympic sport. Then sit back and watch as everyone scrambles to find pictures on the net.

Enough about the games, I have a bunch of real sports to cover in this column, so try to keep up.

Like the obstinate, cranky, old guy on "Survivor" who complained about how lazy everybody was on the Island, Bobby Knight’s flame has been snuffed out. Indiana University’s firing of the old hoops coach gave newspaper editors a chance to get whacky with headlines like "Nighty Knight," "Good Knight," and "Knight Fall." Apparently, Bob didn’t reach anyone with his tirade about how he should be addressed as Coach Knight or Mr. Knight not just ""Knight."

Speaking of over staying your welcome. You know you have been around too long if your clothes retire before you do. A day after that blockbuster trade that sent Patrick Ewing to the Seattle Supersonics, the New York Knicks announced that they are going to retire Ewing’s number 33 jersey this season. In an exlusive interview with "Smokey on Sports" the jersey said, "Retirement? No sweat." It also is looking forward to spending more time hanging around The Garden.

Major League Baseball is winding down. The Braves have clinched a spot in the post-season for the 9^th consecutive year. Do you think it’s just a coincidence that they also have the highest payroll in the National League?

The Giants and Cardinals were the first two teams to secure bids for the playoffs. For some reason, I’ve got this image of a "FE-FI-FO-FUM" Giant swatting at a bunch of pesky red birds flying all about. Of course, the Giants have also fought with Marlins, Diamondback snakes, Pirates and Padres this season. Let your imagination run wild.

My prayers are going out fans in Pennsylvania. The Pirates and Phillies have two of the worst records in Major League Baseball. The Steelers have lost their first three games of the season. The Eagles have had three consecutive losing seasons for a record of 14 wins, 33 losses and 1 tie. Penn State (1-4) is off to its worst start in about 10,000 years. At this point, being a Bengals fan doesn’t seem so bad.

Another former NFL player has hired Johnny Cochran. Orlando Brown who was released by the Browns on September 19, 2000 wants to sue the NFL. He can’t play football anymore because of a freak accident during a game last December in which a penalty flag flew into his eye. Fast forward to closing arguments, "If Brown can’t play, the NFL must pay."

Have you watched more Monday Night Football this season? Apparently, I’m the only one. Ratings are down and Dennis Miller is getting a lot of flack, but I like the guy. I believe he’s helped to create a new way of judging how big of a NFL fan you really are. If you laugh at 3 or 4 of his jokes per game, you’re a good fan. If you chuckle at 1 or 2 of his musings you’re a big fan. If you chortle and snort beer through your nose throughout the game because you understand everything he says, you think the barbaric nature of the sporting event you’re watching (whatever it’s called) is disgusting.

One more thought on the Olympics. Ping-pong and trampoline are now part of the summer games. Somebody let me know when Kick-the-Can makes it. I’m still the undisputed champion in Hillcrest Phase II in Westerville, Ohio.