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Danny McBride's |
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The Smoking Gum I figured all of these political wackos on TV were trying to quit smoking. All they’ve been yabbering about for weeks is finding the “smoking gum”. And I’m thinking: Hey!! Just head on up to Walgreens. They’ve got plenty of that smoking gum- -all kinds- -and the patch, too, or whatever else you think will work if you want to quit smoking. Of course that’s what happens when I’m only half paying attention. The news of the Iraqi war is so tedious day in and day out, I wish somebody would just hurry up and get it over with- -We’re mobilizing another ten thousand troops- -The Europeans are not going to help- -Oh, maybe they will in the end- -We haven’t made a decision about going to war- -We’re just sending a bunch of aircraft carrier battle groups to the same spot on the map for the fun of it- -the weapons inspectors are still sunning themselves at the Iraqi Club Med- -We still haven’t found any smoking gun. Yes. Gun. I get it. Smoking gun. Saddam Hussein is often pictured with either a rifle or a cigar. Maybe they mean “smoking” and “gun”, which sort of sounds like “smoking hand gun”. Remove the “hands” and you’ve got “smoking gun”. And speaking of removing the “Hans”- - The Iraqis by now are chanting something like: “Blix and stones may break my bones but Danes will never hurt me”, Swedes either, for that matter, or Norwegians, or French or Germans or some such variation. (I know Hans Blix is from Sweden, but it didn’t scan as well.) They all would be Rummy’s definition of the “Old Europe”. And that would make the “New Europe” what, Spain and Italy? They’re about the only two countries ready to jump on our coalition bandwagon. (Note to Rummy: It’s Europe. It’s all old.) Don’t you love it that the Germans don’t want to go to war? And here’s their chance to be one of the “good guys” for once in a hundred years. And the French- -well- -never mind the French. They’re just being- -French. C’est La Vie. (Okay- -“La Vee”! There. I’ve said it!) The great photo-op of the week was our fearless leader, Dubya, standing in front of a painted backdrop of shipping boxes in a St Louis warehouse. You probably saw this and thought he was standing in front of a high stack of boxes that read “Made in U S A” on them, ready to be shipped as soon as he finished his remarks. It was not a bunch of boxes. It was a painted backdrop. The few real boxes strewn in front of the podium for decoration had silver duct tape on them attempting to camouflage the words “Made In China”, which was only partly successful as many camera crews videoed the extra boxes off to the side which had not been taped over and plainly said “Made In China”. This was the speech in which the President called the U N weapons inspectors doing the jobs they were hired to do in Iraq the “so-called” weapons inspectors. Pretty good for a guy who could easily be referred to as our “so-called” President, factoring in how he got his gig with the help of his brother’s election specialists and his Daddy’s Supreme Court. Unfortunately for us all, this seems to be a case of George getting so hopping mad about events he can’t control that he’s gonna fight somebody, never mind who it is, or even if it’s the right somebody. We can’t find bin Laden so we’ll fight Hussein. And now we’re so far down that road with so much puffed up blustering that we couldn’t turn back if we wanted to. Even if Saddam decided to rent a condo in Ryahd next door to Idi Amin, and ease himself into retirement telling stories about how many of their own people they each killed, we would still have to have a war. (The two of them could invite Papa Doc Duvalier to join them for drinks on the patio.) Too late. We’ve gone there. We’re not coming back without a fight. And that’s “a movie I’m not interested in seeing”.--GWB Maybe he has weapons of mass destruction, and maybe he’s a part of the Axis of Weasels, and maybe he’s a danger to himself and others, but he is not worth one American life- -not one of our humans should die needlessly because of him. Not one of our kids. NONE. Okay- -today’s trivia question: Let’s see- -If you had 31 huge palaces and some mustard gas, where would you hide it? (Answer not given.) We could be there for years looking for the smoking gun. What if we don’t find the smoking gun? Do we still take out our Al Qaeda frustrations by taking out Saddam? Picture $40 Billion Dollars worth of oil wells on fire for the next three years causing you to pay many dollars a gallon to fill up your Urban Assault Vehicle, your SUV. That’s what he did in Kuwait in the Gulf War. He will do the same if we attack unprovoked. Then you’ll see smoke. Don’t gum up the works. Go find the real terrorists. Now I’m gonna go have a piece of that smoking gum.
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