10-25-01, Danny McBride, 966 words

Eat Jihad out.  This is the best Summer Camp ever.  No curfew.  No dumb arts and crafts.  No naps.  And real guns.  The Taliban spiritual leader, Mullah Mohammed Omar, the dude known to all as “The Mullah On A Mission”, is charged with carrying out the Fatwah (order for a Jihad- -Holy War) of  Sheikh Usamah Bin-Muhammed Bin-Laden, known to his friends as “The Evil One”.  We call him Osama, or, sometimes, just “The Evil One”.

He wrote his manifesto back in 1998, and it’s sort of like the Unibomber letters, but with a bit more focus.  Read any of this stuff if you have the time.  Your results may vary.

But if you don’t have the time, here it is in a nutshell:  We hate your guts and we will kill you all, civilian or military, in any country on Earth, at any time, as soon as we get the chance.  Praise be to God, who revealed the Book (that would be The Koran- -or Qur’an)

controls the clouds, defeats factionalism, and says to “slay the pagans wherever ye find them”.  Yeah, the translation really says “ye”.

Okay, Babe.  Let’s get this straight.  According to your definition of “pagan” I’m in deep doo-doo.  I’m the guy you want.  Several of my friends are probably on your hit list as well, as they, too, are likely to fit your definition of “pagan”.  This is not like the definition of what “is” is.  You spell it right out.  I have to believe as you believe or die.  That about it?

You are not the boss of me.  Who died and left you king?  See, you take an attitude like this and there’s no telling where it’s going to lead.  Have you read any, like, HISTORY??

The Koran is often referred to as The Noble Qur’an, a message from Allah to all humanity.  Now, if Allah wants to talk to all humanity, how are we going to hear what he has to say if you kill us?  That’s just silly.  Who knows?  We listened to Buddha.  We listened to Lao Tzu.  We listened to Confucius.  We listened to Zoroaster.  We listened to Abraham.  We listened to Krishna.  We listened to Moses.  We listened to Jesus.   None of these guys said “Believe me or I’ll kick the crap out of you.”  So where do you get off?

Soon Ramadan will be here- -the Holiest month on the Muslim calendar.  Sort of like “Allah Be Home For Christmas” with a few twists.  There are those in the Muslim world urging the U S to hold up the campaign to close down the Club Med Afghanistan for the holidays.  Who remembers Washington crossing the Delaware- -not the painting, the actual event when he surprised the British?  It was Christmas night 1776.  George celebrated Christmas by sneaking 6, 000 troops across the frozen river and taking Trenton, and about a thousand prisoners, all in about an hour, sort of like Lens Crafters.

(Yes, the same Trenton where the anthrax letters were postmarked.) Not much of a holiday for either side, all of whom would probably have preferred to sing “Away In A Manger” and have a warm nog.  Let’s pick another holiday.  How about the Lunar New Year, The Vietnamese’ most festive holiday.  Check your calendar for 1968 and see how 50, 000 or more North Vietnamese celebrated that year.  We now call it the Tet Offensive and it was a turning point in the Viet Nam War.  Oh, there’s more, but the point is, holiday, shmoliday.  You got a war to win- -there are no days off. 

So, you want to fast all day, feast all night?  Fine.  Party on, Dude.  And you want us to wait up while you do this?  Yeah, right.  Wink, wink.  Whatever you say.

Oh sure, we’ll upset the Saudis and the Pakistanis and whomever else, but that’s too freakin’ bad.  The Saudis have about as much as confessed that they are at the bottom of all this, trying to keep a lid on their own domestic problems.  And the Pakistanis- -those are the guys who brought you the Taliban.  And the Egyptians…Do you realize that of this writing neither the Egyptians nor the Saudis will supply a passenger list for flights on their national airlines into the United States, and yet these planes continue to land at Kennedy?  Why?  Everybody else has to provide a list.  Why are they exempt?

I’m sorry, Hosni, but it’s way time to get on board.  You’ve got Israeli Cabinet Ministers being shot in hallways of Hyatt Hotels- -Minister of Tourism, for crying out loud (Israel- -come visit?)- -and you think we’re going to pressure them to leave you alone?  I don’t expect it will work.  You and King Fahd Ibn Abdul Aziz Al Saud better figure out which way your hook is baited before everything east of Beirut becomes a free-fire zone.

And I know we hate it but we MUST pay attention.  We already have a faltering resolve here in Fantasy Land, like this is all going to go away when Bruce Willis and Steven Segal and Harrison Ford charge through the door where the bad guys are hiding and blow them away.  Not gonna happen.  This is FOR REAL.

You want your hundred channel digital TV?  You want your new SUV?  You want a return to “life as we know it”?  Then you’ve got to pay attention to what’s going on, because they’re serious, no matter what we think.

Alright enough or I’m going to have to stop using Arabic numerals.  I’m going down to the corner for a drink and a snack.  A little place called The Oasis.

-30-

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