10-9-01, Danny McBride, 889 words
Hunk-A-Hunk O' Burnin Love
By Danny McBride
IPS Features
These are the times that try men’s souls, and in these dark and troubled times every attempt to root out evil is part of the ever vigilant duty of John Q Citizen. Or not.
For example: According to the Associated Press, a Stamford, Connecticut man has been “charged with reckless burning after police say he set fire to a teddy bear he claims was ‘possessed’ ”.
The AP quotes police as saying the 32-year-old man “burned a teddy bear in his back yard Sunday as part of a voodoo ritual because he believed it was possessed and he was trying to rid it of evil spirits.”
Okay, sing: “Winnie-the-Pooh, Winnie-the-Pooh, tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff, He’s Winnie-the…” Never mind. This is far more serious than Heffalumps and Woozles.
“Excuse me, Mildred, but Daddy must take your cuddly little bear friend out to the backyard for a minute. I need to have a talk with him. You know, gris gris gumbo ya ya.”
“But Daddy, why do you have the charcoal starter and the matches? Are we going to have a cookout?”
“Yes. Mr Bear and I are going to cook up a little something special for you. A treat. Not just the, ah, the… bear neccessities, if you know what I mean. It’s a little something called a black cat stew.”
“I love barbeques, Daddy, but why do you keep saying ‘juju mojo, mojo juju’?”
“I think Mr Bear knows full well.”
The AP continues: “Firefighters had responded to a report of a brush fire at the home Sunday night and found the teddy bear burning in the back yard”.
Remember- -Only YOU can prevent forest, well, any fires, especially if it may concern me. - - Yours truly, Smokey. (Remember when Smokey had a middle name? “The”.)
The man was charged with reckless burning.
“He said he was burning this bear because it was possessed,” said police Sgt Kevin Goettel, head of the East Side district in Stamford. “He was performing a voodoo ritual to rid it of this evil spirit.”
We all know that teddy bears got their name by being named for President Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt. It all happened because of his daughter’s wedding. Bear with me.
The caterer was looking for a unique centerpiece to put at each table and saw some stuffed bears in a store window while shopping in New York. Since President Roosevelt had a reputation as an outdoorsman and a sportsman, the bears were dressed as fisherman and hunters and whatnot and placed on each table at the reception. They were a big hit. At the conclusion of the meal someone asked TR what species of bear they were, and he is said to have replied: “You’ve really got me there so I think they must be a new species called Teddy Bears.” Of course the newspapers were in attendance at a President’s daughter’s wedding and they picked up the story and it ran everywhere.
The bears actually came from Germany made by a wheelchair-bound toymaker named Margarete Steiff, who had contracted polio at a young age but nonetheless went on to make tiny toy animals, and eventually open a toy factory. Her original specialty was toy elephants (not to be confused with Heffalumps). By 1887 her toy animals were shipped all around the world. In 1902, her nephew, Richard, who joined the company after graduating from Stuttgart Art School, wanted to give his aunt a special birthday present and created a toy bear with moveable arms and head. It was much larger than Margarete’s usual animals and was made from mohair (the hair of the “mo”) rather than felt. She sent it to the United States as a prototype, but it was rejected. The following year a sales rep from a New York import house, Hermann Borgford of George Borgford & Company, found himself unsatisfied by the offerings at the Leipzig Fair. He asked what else might be available, and the lone bear was pulled out of storage and presented to him. He loved it and ordered 3,000. And those are what the caterer saw while shopping in New York for the wedding decorations.
Steiff bears are still manufactured and are popular as collectors’ items. They are easily identified by the trademark button in their ear. There is an original from the Roosevelt family in the Smithsonian.
Although 1907 was the “Year of The Teddy Bear” its popularity continued to the point that by 1930 “The Teddy Bear’s Picnic”, originally an instrumental called “The Teddy Bear Two Step”, became a chart topper. You know: “If you go down to the woods today you’re sure of a big surprise. If you go down to the woods today you’d better go in disguise. For every bear that ever there was, will gather there for certain because, today’s the day the Teddy Bears have their picnic”.
This is getting to be more than I can bear. What about the guy with his “Voodoo Bear”?
Whatever possessed him to burn the tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff? He needs to get his bearings. “Put a chain around his neck and lead him anywhere, just let him be…”
No, wait- -better than that- -I think he should be fired. Matches?
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