Somewhere a fat lady is gargling. She will inevitably begin warming up on pitch with a "Mi, Mi, Mi, Mi Mi". Then a few scales "La, la, la, la, la,la, la, la, la". And the unavoidable "Do, Sol, Do". Soon she will be ready for her cue. She’s warmed up several times already. They say it isn’t over until the fat lady sings. I hope she has some voice left. Lord knows we’re all ready for her.

The Tallahassee Tally Lassie, Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris, was ready to slam the the ballot box lids shut last Tuesday. Then the State Supreme Court said "Whoa- -Not so fast" and began listening to every lawyer who could write or talk his way into the proceedings.

And those who didn’t make it to the Big Show are running up and down the halls of 400 North Capitol Street in Washington, D C. In case you are unaware, that building houses the studios of several cable news channels, including MSNBC, The Fox News Channel, C-SPAN, and a number of others, all on different floors. So all a talking head need do is hit the elevator button for the next floor, and voila!- -One can go from MSNBC’s "Hardball With Chris Matthews" to Fox News’ "Special Report With Brit Hume" just three floors away. Now you know why you see the same people ranting and raving on all these shows. They’re already in the building. All a harried news producer has to do is run out in the halls and yell that they have a seven minute segment open, and then stand back from the stampede.

I love all this talk about what the "American people want". Hey! Did anybody ask YOU? Me neither. I know what I want and you know what you want and WE’RE the "American People". And we may not want the same thing, you and me, but I’m pretty sure that what neither one of us wants is these telebabblers telling us what the "American people want". ALL OF YOU GO AWAY!! Someone get a focus group together to help Alan Dershowitz find a fulfilling life away from the public eye. Pack him a lunch. Give him a wilderness map. Point him in the wrong direction.

Soon this will all be over, and President Whosits can go about the business of writing his memoirs, because he sure as blazes isn’t going to get anything meaningful done after all this who-ha. All those campaign promises. History. Of course, that’s the nature of campaign promises: Say anything to get elected- -Then, do anything to stay in power. We all know this, but we fall for it every time just like watching magicians or beautiful actors. We know it’s their job to fool us. We paid money to get in to watch them to see if they could fool us. And when they’re really good, of course they DO fool us. That’s their job. They’ve studied and practiced for years to do this. So we know that Kevin Spacey or Helen Hunt is fooling us. They have Academy Awards to prove how good they are at fooling us.

Politicians are no different- -but there are none of them good enough for Academy Awards except maybe Bill Clinton. Even Ronald Reagan, who was never a good enough actor to win an Academy Award fooled enough people to become president. He couldn’t fool other actors, however, only civilians.

And thinking of Reagan brings to mind one of the original faux dramas of the ALL-TV NEWS AGE. You remember "What did he know and when did he know it?"- -One of the greatest hits of the eighties- -Order now- -You also get Donna Rice and Gary Hart, Ollie North and Fawn Hall, and the bonus tape- -Dukakis in the tank looking like Snoopy- -But wait! There’s more! Boy is ther ever.

See, once we had CNN (yes, I know, The Clinton Nookie Network), we had to fill the time. And in the past fifteen years we’ve done pretty well. Just when you think, oh, a war in The Persian Gulf might be enough to satisfy us it’s over and we’re on to Anita Hill and Clarence Thomas. We fill in between with bad nannies who shake their charges or distraught women who attack their husbands’ girlfriends, or his personal manhood and throw it out a car window, or horribly confused people who shoot strangers on subways or drive their children into a lake to drown. And we watch. All of it. And then we luck out- -we get O J. What could have topped that? Well, how about Monica? Impeachment? Land o’Goshen, you’d think that would have been enough for a while. But now we are addicted and it will never be enough.

So, I have some good news and some bad news. Soon THIS national nightmare will be over, just as all the others are, just waiting for the made-for-TV movie- -"The Long Island Lolita", "The Tonya Harding Story", and just recently a revisit with "O J".

But the bad news is that we won’t sit still for long. Like some blood sucking cultural vampires we will need to be fed again. Only the "American people" can decide. We’ll see about that part of it. Most likely panicked news producers from cable talk stations will decide.

Okay- -I’m ready for the fat lady.