12-16-02, Danny McBride
Strom and Drang
By Danny McBride
IPS Features
Sing along: “Well a-come on over baby- -whole LOTT a-shakin goin on.”
As we all know by now, Senator Trent Lott, (R) Mississippi, accidently dropped his sheet around his ankles this month at Senator Strom Thurmond’s 100th birthday celebration, and this time, right in front of TV news cameras, let his true self be seen. We all knew he had a white cone hat with eyeholes back home in Pascagoula, but this happened right in the heart of Washington in prime time.
I’m not sure old Strom had any idea of what was even going on, if you’ve seen any pictures of him lately. It’s most likely stewed prunes and down for a nap several times a day. Although maybe with all those little crosses, ah, candles burning on his cake he knew it was either a Klarion Klaxon Konflagration or maybe even a lynching. There were enough candles to set Nathan Bedford’s Forest on fire. The actual hanging, however, may turn out to have Lott as the guest of honor at the necktie party.
Of course the Senator has apologized for anything he may have said, or may have meant, or to people he may have offended, and with a special personal apology to his local Grand Dragon for making the whole thing so blatantly obvious. In fact he’s apologized several times, digging his own hole deeper and deeper. He’s at least knee deep now, and his knee grows less visible all the time- -or is that Negroes? After all this time of keeping his hood on and his true feelings a secret- -wink, wink- -actually a hood-wink- -he has created one of the greatest “misspeak moments” since Al Campanis told Ted Koppel that blacks couldn’t swim as well as whites because they weren’t as buoyant. Would access to the country club pool for swimming lessons have made any difference? By the end of the 30 minute Nightline, Campanis’ career in Major League Baseball was over.
Of course, Senator Lott can’t be fired. Heck, the governor of Mississippi, Ronnie Musgrove, is a Democrat, and if he were to appoint an interim Senator, the Republicans would lose their one seat majority. After all the gloating about the past election, that would be just too much fun to watch.
No, Senator Lott should stay put, and become the millstone around the Republicans’ and George W Bush’s collective necks, the way Newtie was in days gone by- -their wear White-At-Night poster boy. If the Democrats can’t find a rallying point around this one, then the air really has gone out of their balloon.
Of course Maxine Waters, (D) California, and the Congressional Black Caucus will call for Lott’s toupèed head, but that’s their job. He’s better staying right in the limelight where we can all make fun of him. Sheet, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Maybe he could do detergent ads on TV- -“For whiter whites and brighter brights, use new Klans-All on all your bedding, not just the sheets.”
One of the wonderful things about having a guy like Lott as your lightning rod, is that it makes the work of late night comedy writers so much easier. Everything Lott ever said, wrote or did all the way back to his childhood will become public knowledge, and when that happens, the racist-cheerleader, seen for what he has always been, will make for great entertainment for the next few weeks while Congress is in recess.
When James Meredith integrated Ole Miss in 1962, segregationist Lott, then a senior and president of Sigma Nu, was there to help out- -well, no, not to help Mr Meredith. Trentie was at the fraternity manning the phones trying to round up more demonstrators, although some accounts say he was trying to keep his fraternity brothers away from the riots. Maybe he just didn’t want them to miss the k-k-k-kegger later on. Who are you going to believe? You decide. What a fine young Christian man.
For forty years Lott has left a paper trail and a voting record which would make any Klansman proud. He can claim whatever he wants. Actions speak louder than words. He can say he he didn’t have malice in his heart as he’s Aryan out his dirty laundry. But he’s obviously doing his clothes shopping at Bed, Bath and Beyond. And this time he has gone beyond the limits of good taste and common sense. It’s really time to get out.
But it would take the actions of John McCain, or Mitch McConnell, or some other bright Republicans to retire Lott from leadership. Will they do it? For their sakes, they should. For our sakes, I hope they don’t. We need all the good chuckles we can get. Just keep picturing Lott with his sheet and bull whip beating up on Condi Rice, like Eliza in Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Yup, that’ll help him get nothing done.
I will resist the temptation to say one more time that Lott’s wife was turned into a pillar of salt. We’re still checking on that.
The bigger they come, the harder they fall.
Let’s all sing: “I’m dreaming of a White Christmas…”
Say goodnight Strom. Oh- -shhh!!! He’s already asleep.
Okay. Gotta go. Okay-K-K?
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