12-29-02, Danny McBride
O-Seoul-O-Meow
By Danny McBride
IPS Features
The New York Times has reported that North Korea is reopening a sealed plutonium processing plant in Yongbyon, 55 miles north of Pyongyang. They could have nukes in a few weeks. The White House is taking this big-time serious. We may have two wars. But why now? Donald Rumsfeld, do you know?
Any moviegoer could have figured this out. We all know the Kim Jung-Il, the dictator of North Korea, is a movie nut. He watches thousands of movies every year, many on video. So, someone has obviously shown him the latest James Bond movie, Die Another Day, in which the bad guys are- -you guessed it- -North Koreans. Rummy needs to lighten up and catch a flick once in a while. It was obvious the minute I saw this movie that Il would want his Evil Powers to match those of the North Koreans in the film and, once again, although I don’t believe Hollywood movies really affect people’s actions if they weren’t going to act that way already- -we have a case of “Life Imitating Art”.
I hope I’m not spoiling the movie for you- -by the way, James Bond wins and gets the girl- -yes, I know- -I’ve spoiled the ending for you. (Actually, if I have spoiled the ending, and you were not able to guess that Bond, James Bond, was going to win, I have tickets you can have for a Rob Schneider film festival.)
See, in the movie, the DMZ, the 38th parallel, gets blown to smithereens as the Evil Koreans fight the Good Koreans, with Bond and his counter-spy nemeses also duking it out. For a good part of the flick it looks like the Evil Koreans, who travel to Cuba, England and Iceland in their attempt to outwit Bond and his CIA girlfriend Halle Berry, are going to win. (I know she won the Oscar last year, but I’m not sure I totally believe her as a CIA undercover operative. Do they really have agents like that? Maybe I should enlist and find out. My, my. It is good to know what we’re fighting for!!)
Okay, anyway- -here’s Il Kim- -not to be confused with Lil’ Kim, Andy Kim or Kim Basinger- -not a chance- -watching this video in the comfort of his own personalized air-raid bunker when it dawns on him that these guys in the movie are doing a great job of kicking these running-dog-imperialist-western-lackeys’ butts. Of course for the movie to make any sense- -well, wait, this kind of movie never really makes any sense- -it’s pure action-fantasy- -the bad guys have to do real bad stuff at the beginning to justify the almost as bad stuff the good guys do to win in the end.
I have a notion that Jung Kim got called away to the phone and missed the ending, or Kim got Ill, and had to leave the room or maybe he thought he was watching a documentary. Somehow he got the idea that the giant laser-blowy-uppy-thingy that was orbiting the earth to zap armies, countries- -whole continents- -was really a doable thing. What was in his Kool-Aid? Who spiked his rice pudding?
It was right after that movie appeared that Lil’ Chung King got the surveillance cameras removed and started reactivating the nuclear rods in the closed and sealed reactors, and talking “big tough-guy talk” to the U S and anyone who would listen.
In fact his state-run newspaper, Rodong Sinmun, warned of an “uncontrollable catastrophe” unless the United States agreed to a negotiated solution to a standoff over its nuclear energy and weapons programs. He must think he’s the cat’s meow.
Of course the way it looks from here is that the “catastrophe” would be the destruction of every life-form as we know it north of the 38th parallel. What an idiot. This guy thinks he can call Rummy’s bluff? Doesn’t he know Rumsfeld is nuttier than that fruitcake you just recycled to Grandma by way of Aunt Eunice that you’ve had in the fridge for over a year? Yeah- -call his bluff- -And hope your bunker holds, Archie, ’cause you ain’t gonna be gettin NO reception on your satellite TV by the time you raise the white flag.
I suppose that if they do get a nuclear missile they would have to drive it in a truck to Seoul, or put it in a boat and row it here to Los Angeles. They are no way going to launch it into the atmosphere. With what? A sling-shot?
Of course if they do, we’re almost ready for them, with our new-and-improved Missile Defense System, once known as Reagan’s “Star Wars” plan, and before that, left over from the Belarathon Mission in Forbidden Planet. (Note: See Robot, Robbie The)
Although recently we tested some of these “Star Wars” missiles up the coast from here at Vandenberg Air Force Base- -They failed. Of course we fixed that- -we made everything Top Secret. That way if we have more failures, no one will know. The only problem is that the whole west coast of California from L A to San Francisco can see and hear these things when they go up- -Quite beautiful, actually, the last one I saw in November- -green-orange-violet-rainbow-like plumes lighting up the evening sky. Right. Top Secret. Except for the 20 or 30 million of us who can see it.
But they failed to hit the target out over the Pacific. So not only may we not be able to defend against North Korea, we may not be able to defend against Chick Corea.
Little “Movie Boy” better think twice. His whole world could come crashing down like the Ice Palace in the Bond movie- -ooops! I wasn’t going to give away that part. Well, you already know James Bond wins. Somebody ought to run the ending of the picture once again for Young Kim. If not, it could not only be the end of his Korea, but his career.
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