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Danny |
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2-19-03 Duct And Cover Figures released this week by The Federal Reserve and reported by The Associated Press in The New York Times indicate that industrial production rose 0.7 percent during January, double the gain forecasters had predicted. Of course, most of this came in the all important “duct tape futures” market. The government has finally figured out how to get the economy moving again by scaring the bejesus out of us so we run out and buy plastic tubing, Thompson’s Water Seal, Epoxy in all flavors, sheet metal, fruit pectin, plywood, hammers, nails, Elmer’s Glue, baling wire, molasses, twine and, of course, duct tape. This is the stuff by which bio-chem attacks may be thwarted. A woman in Maryland was quoted in a TV news report saying “I just want my kids to see I’m doing something to protect us against the possible attack of terrorists” and then taped her left foot to the refrigerator door. When we were kids- - on the corner of the street- -we were rough and ready guys but oh how we could har-mo-nize to—WAIT!! No!! When WE were kids they made us “Duck And Cover”. Did you ever see the newsreel-style short film, complete with goofy song? In the event of nuclear attack, we were to cover our heads with our arms and legs and crawl under our desks. This was to give us some hope for survival in the event of an actual emergency, but in reality had only the effect of assuming the position whereby we might kiss our ass goodbye. We knew this of course, but like the fire drill where we all filed out onto the playground in the unspoken hope of one day seeing the actual school burn to the ground before our eyes, complete with Mrs Santoro’s test results from last Thursday, we complied, because it was better than a spelling test. Now we’re doing it again. Only this time we’re old enough to know better. We keep hearing the expression “The train has left the station” in regard to our armed forces build-up in readiness for The Wack Iraq Attack. You expect to hear the conductor call out the stations along the way: “Paris, Strasbourg, Stuttgart, Munich, Salzburg, Vienna, Prague, Budapest, Bucharest, Sophia, Belgrade, Is-tan-bul and Bagh-dad…” The only trouble is, the only station this train is stopping at is The Home Depot. We’re all going to run in and buy some duct tape to seal our windows and doors against a germ warfare attack. Of course, we will be breathing only our own exhaled carbon dioxide and will soon suffocate, but we can know we went peacefully without giving in to the terrorists. Which room are you sealing off? Some are sealing off the family room, so they can see the movies they rented from Blockbuster two weeks ago and never got around to watching. Some are sealing off the master bedroom, as it gives the feeling of a big comfort zone with Ma and Pa and all the kidlets snuggled into the big bed. Me? I’m sealing off the bathroom. Since I have a teenaged daughter, this will be a difficult task to accomplish, because first I have to gain access. Since when does brushing teeth take 45 minutes? Maybe I should just wait for the terrorists and see if they can get in. My house was built in the late 1930s, so no two windows actually close as they once might have. When it rains, door frames shift sizes so as to make them impossible to open when closed, or close once opened. This could be a problem if I lived anywhere except Southern California where most of the year the windows remain open, except for air-conditioning season in the late summer. The real reason to live in older houses in Southern California is that they were built better back then and have withstood many an earthquake since. So what if one of the bedroom windows doesn’t quite close tight? It’s open nine days out of ten anyway- -sort of the “Arkansas Traveler” approach to home upkeep- -which is why I’m not even sure of where the local Home Depot is. But I have duct tape. If there’s one thing a touring musician always has in his gig bag it’s duct tape. I don’t tour anymore- -I like my OWN pillow- -but I still have managed to collect a lifetime supply of duct tape in rolls of all sizes- -some half-used- -some almost gone- -some almost brand new. They’re in a box in the garage- -you know- -where the door doesn’t quite shut. The next time you have occasion to visit your local music store, here’s how you can tell the pros: they will have a piece of duct tape stuck to one shoe, even if they’ve been home off the road for weeks. It’s been a while now, so I’m not even sure what we used it for, except for sealing the doors of our Holiday Inn rooms so the smoke…ah, so the germs couldn’t get in. If the run on duct tape helps stimulate the economy, what could be next? Canaries? I know where you can get them on the cheap (sorry). As for sealing myself up to avoid contamination, I’m afraid it’s too late. Kim Jung Il has announced he can hit Los Angeles with a nuclear weapon. Of course that’s if he launches it from Bakersfield. Meanwhile, I’m just going to wait here at the depot and see what happens. I’ll keep my eyes trained. I’ll let you know when it’s time to duct.
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