3-12-02, Danny McBride
Skilling Me Softly
By Danny McBride
IPS Features
Skilling is killing me with his song and dance. Jeffrey Skilling, former Enron chief. He’s been on TV a lot lately- -testifying before congress- -yucking it up with Larry King- -and getting married at his humongous Houston mansion. Getting married? In the middle of all this? Like everything is normal?
“Yes I’d like to celebrate the ruining of many people’s lives by throwing a party for a few of my closest slimeball friends and marrying the woman who could otherwise testify against me in court.”
On March 2, 2002, Jeffrey Skilling married Lynda Carter, the former Wonder Woman and now reformed drunk- -wait!! Rebecca Carter- -no relation- -another former Enron senior executive likely to play a role in many of the probes going on into what happened and who knew about it and when.
“They can’t make a wife testify against a husband in court, so at least I’ve got that part covered. Whew!!”
Carter is Enron’s former corporate secretary, who, according to Business Week Magazine, rose to her $600,000-a-year job while dating Skilling. Say, do you know anyone who works as a secretary? And makes $600,000? I don’t think I want to know the full job description. Heck, even Secretaries like Donald Rumsfeld at Defense and Colin Powell at State don’t make that kind of money, at least from their Secretary jobs. Of course $600,000 isn’t that much if your boyfriend is pulling in truckloads- -$66 million alone in a series of stock transactions between February 1999 and June 2001.
“Say, Honey. I’ve got to run out for a quart of milk and a loaf of bread. Could you look in between the sofa cushions and see if there are any spare hundreds?”
And just when I thought it was nutty to be getting this kind of, well, gossip, from Business Week, along comes The Harvard Business Review with an even wilder story. Their story doesn’t actually appear in the HBR, but is everywhere else. Seems their editor, Suzy Wetlaufer, is in a debate with her staff as to whether she will stay on after it was revealed she has been having an affair with former GE head “Neutron” Jack Welch, who is married. This story appeared in The Wall Street Journal.
Just when did the Journal, Business Week and the HBR become the kinds of publications you go to for gossip and scandal? Where is this going to leave Liz Smith? Giving stock quotes and market updates?
“More on ‘NSYNC’s possible breakup, and the latest on Cybill Shepherd’s love life, but first let’s go to the world of business- -Whose corporate flagpole is waving in the breeze this morning? Stay tuned.”
Jeffrey Skilling and Rebecca Carter are now honeymooning in an undisclosed location. I’m sure Jeffrey’s old buddy Dick Cheney could easily have given him a list of these places. Cheney has only occasionally been seen in the past several months, and he and the “Shadow Government” have been working in undisclosed locations since September 11th.
“Who knows what lurks in the minds of Bush and Cheney?- -The Shadow Government knows.” C.O.D. Continuation of Government. COD. Dare I say it? Sounds fishy to me.
Which raises a couple of questions: If the Vice-President’s official duty is to preside over the Senate, how does he do that from his undisclosed location? The other usual responsibility of Vice-Presidents is to go to the funerals of foreign dignitaries. How do you do that from an undisclosed location? And if he’s not doing either of these things, what is he doing? Actually, I know, but I’m sworn to secrecy.
Okay- -he’s meeting with Skilling about the future of America’s energy policy- -the honeymoon is a ruse- - and providing Jack with an alibi: “Yes, Mrs Welch. He was here all afternoon.” Of course he was drunk and hanging with a woman half his age, but we’ll leave that part out.
You’ll have to forgive me because I seem to be missing something. When did it become acceptable to screw people out of their life savings and then throw a big party? Or carry on with the journalist who interviews you while your wife has dinner waiting? Now I’m not saying that I don’t realize that this goes on every day. What I don’t get is: when did this stuff of the tabloids become the news of business?
“The business of America is business” said President Calvin Coolidge. Of course what he didn’t know in the 1920s was that his words would evolve into “The business of America is Monkey Business”.
So, what did the bride wear? An oily taffeta off-white gown with a natural gas lace bodice, diamond tiara and train (electric), with sprigs of baby’s breath- -no not flowers- -real babies gasping for air. And the groom wore a conservative pending law suit.
Okay I’ve got to run. Enron. And run. Enron.
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