3-22-02, Danny McBride
Atta Boy!
By Danny McBride
IPS Features
Mohamed Atta, that is. Congratulations!! You made it!! You just got your permanent student visa!! Now you can remain in the good ole USA just as long as you want, whatever’s left of you. You get to be part of the permanent landfill project underway in lower Manhattan. And you’re here legally. Isn’t that great? What a country!!
For those who missed it, alleged American Airlines Flight #11 hijacker-pilot Mohamed Atta, who hit the North Trade Center Tower, and his sidekick Marwan Al-Shehhi, who supposedly flew United Flight #175 into the South Trade Center Tower 17 minutes later on September 11th, finally got their permanent student visas this week. Yup. Six months to the day. Who says our government agencies aren’t efficient?
You were told in August you’d get them, and sure enough, here they are. The visas came in the mail from the INS to Huffman Aviation, the flight school in Venice, Florida where the two learned to fly jets- -although not to land them- -or to take off, for that matter. I’m sure we’re all relieved to know that, technically, they were, and still are, here legally. And we’ll all sleep sounder tonight knowing how on top of everything our modern INS is. By the way, that’s supposed to stand for Immigration and Naturalization Service, but is more likely now, in relation to who’s in the country, to be I’m Not Sure. (Hint: They have no clue.)
President Bush found out during breakfast and was so annoyed that he could barely drink his coffee, he told reporters. He said he was “stunned”- -although perhaps Mrs Olson’s Folgers wasn’t up to her usual strength. The President told a news conference that it was a “wake-up call for those who run the INS- -reform as quickly as possible”. I’m not sure what color code of alert this should put us on- -do they have mocha?
Oh yes, color coded terrorist alerts. They took effect recently- -Hmmm- -Blue for cold coffee, green for stale or day old, red for piping hot and yellow for “has the dog been in here yet this morning?” I’m not sure if we’re going to see these colors or just hear them mentioned as in a hospital. “Doctor Dover. Doctor Dover. Doctor Ben Dover. Code pink. Doctor Headancough. Doctor Turner Headancough. Code Blue.” And so on.
Tom Ridge- -wouldn’t it be great if his wife were named “Ruby”?- -our chief of the Office of Homeland Security- -has just announced that we now have FIVE stages of national alert. And they’re color coded. Red is the highest stage of alert. Orange means extreme caution- -or maybe that’s yellow. I dunno. Blue is “the color of my true love’s eyes in the morning, when she rise”. Green means “frog alert” or “locusts” or some such and White means the laundry’s ready. I’ll have to check into this further. And- -Oh yes- -Mauve still means no gays in the military. This new system will be known as “The Crayola Defense”. I wonder where in the pecking order they’ll put Burnt Sienna.
Now if this all were not enough for one week- -NBC News, among others, is reporting in its “Fleecing Of America” series by Lisa Myers, that government workers, mostly either military or Pentagon civilian employees, have run up credit card bills from Nordstrom’s shopping sprees, electronic gadgetry from Circuit City and breast implants for some guy’s girlfriend who was a waitress at Hooters- -He actually spent $34,000 on her, wining and dining her, and also put the $4000 surgery on his government issued credit card. It turns out that the Pentagon has issued two million credit cards and the total billed to them this past year is in the $9 BILLION range. You paid for it!! And you were happy to get your Costco membership card. “Yaw money” as Tom Brokaw would say, “In the Fweecing of Amewica. We’ll be right back after another ad for either laxatives or incontinent aids, I’m not sure which.”
Okay- -this is an aside- -but did you ever try to eat dinner and watch the evening news at the same time? You don’t know whether to gag or laugh. Is the entire evening news audience about to expire or become afflicted with some newly discovered disease? Headaches. Stomach Aches. Bladder control. Anal leakage. GAWD!! I’M EATING!! And then this great tag line- -“Be sure and tell your doctor what medications you are already taking.” DUH?? If you’re in this bad a shape and your doctor doesn’t have a chart on you, it’s time to switch doctors- -Unless you’re stuck with some combination HMO & Auto Body Shop and they really don’t have a chart on you- -But do know when your next oil change is.
Mohamed, dude, you missed out. You’re probably enjoying the company of those 72 Virginians like the popular joke going around now says- -George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Patrick Henry- -and you thought they said “virgins”. There’s nothing like someone willing to die for his cause. There should be more that willing. Go ahead, die. We’ll help. We’ll put it on our Visa.
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