4-15-02, Danny McBride
Colin All Cars
By Danny McBride
IPS Features
Sing: “Colin out around the world are you ready for a brand new beat…”
Cheeze Louise, are we ever. Anything. Now. HELP!!
“Yes, sir, Yasir. ‘Hold on…I’m comin’ ” Well sort of. Not since the British Navy steamed toward The Falkland Islands for three weeks in 1982 has anything taken this long and yet been so plainly painfully obvious to anyone paying attention.
Secretary of State Colin Powell is on his way to the Middle East but he’s making a few stops along the way. Wait- -There’s someone at the door. It could be him. Why not? Seems as though he’s stopping everywhere else. He may end up taking longer to get to the Promised Land than Moses did. Of course Moses didn’t have a map. Nor did he have onboard computer-generated satellite guidance systems.
Even though Secretary Powell has the latest in modern aviation he’s stopping at every pub and hostelry along the way- -Morocco, Spain, Egypt, Cleveland, Jordan, Guatemala, Lebanon, Tucson to Tucumcari, Tehachapi and Tonapah, Saudi Arabia, Istanbul, from Natchez to Mobile, from Memphis to Saint Joe, Flagstaff, Arizona, don’t forget Winona, Kingman, Barstow, San Bernardino and finally Jerusalem. Ulysess made it around the Mediterranean faster.
So why is the Secretary taking this circuitous route? Frequent flyer miles.
Well, no, probably to give Ariel Sharon all the time he thinks he needs to mop up the operation he has going to close down the terrorists. It’s so like “Hey, Sharon, man, you gotta knock this off, or I’m comin’ over there to make you stop. Don’t make me come over there. I’m warnin’ you. I will come over there. I mean it. Don’t make me come over there. You better stop it.”
Meanwhile Ariel says “Yeah, yeah, try and make me” and the war goes on. I mean, what would we really do to try and make Sharon do anything? Not a thing. Hot air. Hold our breath and turn blue. Nothing. Nada. But we’ve got to put up a good show or Arafat and the boys won’t take anything we say seriously.
Yes sir, Yasir, you can have your own country and it will be bigger than the room you’re living in now. But you’ve got to get over yourself. You can’t drive them into the sea. Heck, you can’t even drive yourself to the dry cleaners to pick up your other suit and headpiece, assuming you have one.
And by the way, which is it: “Yasir” which is what The New York Times calls you, or “Yasser”, as in The Washington Post? It’s like one of those Qaddaffi/Khadafy/K-Daffy deals we used to have a few years ago. Why don’t you drop us a line and straighten us out? Or call us on the cell phone.
And while we’re at it, isn’t the Walt Disney version of The Little Mermaid character named Ariel? What’s up with that? Should we picture Mr Sharon in a mermaid outfit? Okay, maybe not. He sure isn’t on a fishing expedition, unless it’s fishing for terrorists. (Note to self: Good game show idea “Fishing For Terrorists”- -Win a Cuban vacation and the full CD of all the different versions of “Guantanamera”, plus a chance to blow yourself up on national TV. You and Kenny can both be dead!!)
So Secretary Powell is really going to get to the Middle East by and by, and he promises to stay until a deal can be worked out. I hope he has a big bag full of underwear and socks. This could take a while.
Wasn’t it just a couple of weeks ago that Vice President Dick Cheney went for a visit through the region? What do you suppose he told Sharon: “Look, we’re gonna yell and scream and pout, but it’s all for show. You go ahead and do what you gotta do and don’t take anything we say seriously. Are you okay with that? Do you need any money?”
It is a crying shame that so many innocents get caught in the crossfire when stubborn old men who hate each others’ guts, and are entrenched in their miserable failed ways, will not help themselves and all the common people on all sides and bring an end to this horror.
Yasir could say “no sir” to suicide bombings and demand his thugs call off their doomed campaign of terror. And if he did, Sharon would eventually bring the IDF’s scorched earth policy to an end.
There’s nothing like old men willing to send young men to die for their country. Maybe we could settle this with a WWF-style wrestling event between Sharon and Arafat. I’d pay to see that. How much? At least fifty cents more a gallon. Calling all cars. Calling all cars.
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