4-29-02, Danny McBride
I Saudi Light
By Danny McBride
IPS Features
“Greetings, Mr. President. I bring you glad tidings from my desert home across the sea.”
“Well, Howdy, Pard’ner, Your Princeship, and welcome to The Ranch. We’re gonna have a fine time. I’m gonna cook us up a mess o’ vittals and afterwards I’m gonna take you for a ride in my pickup and show you all my favorite spots around here. Say, my Mom used to have an old picnic tablecloth just like the one you’re wearin’ on your head.”
“Yes, thank you. And how is your Father, President Bush The First?”
“He’s fine. Just spoke with him.”
“Good. I am glad he is well. Maybe I will visit with him later.”
“Sure, why not? I’d say he’s in much better shape than your old King, who you have to tie to a chair sitting upright, like El Cid to his horse, for photo-ops.”
“Yes, he is old now.”
“So I hear you wanna go back 35 years to the 1967 borders. Heck, why stop there? Let’s go back another 50 years to the 1917 borders when the British and the Turks ran everything. Couldn’t do any worse.”
“Well…”
“Heck, the Israelites won that war fair and square. And now you wanna have them give land they took from the Jordanese and give it to Yasir Arafat? How do you figure that? If anyone should get it, wouldn’t that be the Jordaninians themselves? And what about the Egyptians. They lost the Sianide Penninsular and then they got it back. Fair is fair. And as far as ‘oil as a weapon is concerned’, think about this: F-16s as a weapon. You get my drift, Baggy Pants?”
“Well…”
“And another thing. You don’t come up with some more info on those September 11th wackjobbers, how ’bout we just sit on our hands the next time someone like Saddam or Bin Laden decides they’re takin’ over your country? You’ll be the Prince of El Nada. You’ll be right back living in a tent in the sand like you were before the despised Western Civilization lackeys taught you to look UNDER the damn sand instead of just sitting on it at the oasis eating your dates, or whatever. Didn’t you guys have any word for ‘shovel’ in Arabian? What was the word for ‘drilling rig’ before your great-grandfather was shown how to build a well? How would you like it if you couldn’t get any more airplane parts?”
“No, that would not be what we would desire.”
“Tell you what we’re gonna do here, Abdul. I’m gonna walk out that front door with you and smile and wave for the cameras so Al Jazeera and CNN can get some pictures, but that’s it. I know you don’t like to talk to the media- -you’ve got some stooge to do that for you- -but you better understand where I’m comin’ from. You got the chutzpah to come over here to America, and come to my ranch and eat my brownies, and think you’re gonna lecture me about how this whole deal is gonna go down? Yeah, chutzpah- -look it up. Well I listened to five hours of your camel crap about what you think we ought to be doing about the Israelites and the Philistines and I gotta tell you, Bubba, you got some damn nerve. If it wasn’t for Peter O’Toole you wouldn’t even have a damn country. You and Anthony Quinn and Omar Sharif would still be arguing about how to get to Aqaba. You want the U S to temper its support for Ariel Sharon or face what- -bad vibes from the 22 members of the Arab League? Well let me tell you what- - You pick any team you want from the Arab League and put them up against any team in the American or National League, and I guarantee we beat the pants off you, provided you wear pants. We can out hit, out field, out spit any team you can put on the field.”
“Ah, Mr President, the Arab League is…”
“And another thing. I was gonna cook up some barbeque- -Texas style- -my specialty- -but I think the bus to Waco is here and you don’t wanna miss it.
“Well, Mr President Bush The Second, you have to understand that under my peace proposal we will recognize Israel and we…”
“Recognize them? You don’t recognize them? They’re the ones with the tanks and the Uzis. Ask Arafat if he recognizes any of them. He can’t even go to the bathroom without their permission.”
“Sir, the Arab World is going to be very angry with the United States if …”
“Listen, Bub. A handful of your citizens came over here and took out 3, 000 of ours- -civilians- -decent working folk. You think we care if they’re angry? We’ll show you angry. And another thing. You think you’re gonna crush Israel and run the world your way? Well think again. We’ll shut down our protection plan on you and stomp right in and take all the damn oil we want. Your head’ll spin so fast you’ll have to cut eye-holes in that picnic tablecloth to see out the back. I already said the Palestinians can have their own state. How ’bout North Dakota? Not many people there. We got plenty of room. You better get used to the fact that you’re not the boss of me, and neither is Yasir Arafat. Don’t miss your bus. Have a nice day.”
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