4-8-02, Danny McBride
Sick Puppy
By Danny McBride
IPS Features
A couple of weeks ago I had a really bad cold. I was, as they used to say, “sick as a dog”. How sick that really is I don’t know, but I was miserable.
Of course now that won’t matter much anymore because if I am as sick as a dog I can get the same medical treatment the dog will soon get under a new proposal that will give America’s pets health insurance. That’s right: a $345-Trillion plan to fund a Pet Health Insurance Program, or PHIP. Health and Human Services spokesman Roland Dalet was quoted on NPR’s All Things Considered recently saying that the measure is designed to help all animals large and small: “Your dog, your cat, your iguana, your great komodo dragon”. I heard this with my own ears and still didn’t believe it. So I looked it up on their website and there it is. Mr Dalet continues: “Who can quantify your feelings for that animal, and what that animal gives back to you?”
$345 TRILLION??!!! That’s a lot of kibble.
NPR’s Julie Rovner reported this story with a straight face, but I still couldn’t believe my perked-up, pointy little ears. Could it be true? The Bush Administration intends to extend universal health care to pets? Under the plan veterinary care would be fully subsidized by your tax dollars, they said. Where’s Hillary when we need her? Health care has dogged her for years. Now’s her chance. Step up to the bowl- -er, plate- -and take a swipe at this. It gives one paws to reflect.
It all seemed pretty far-fetched, but since Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy “Goober” Thompson wants to share medical records without a patient’s consent, and Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge has concocted a color scheme for readiness alert after six months of doing…doing…well…whatever he was doing, anything is possible. (By the way, what color alert are we on today? Does anybody know? They should include it in the weather report right after the windchill factor and the chance of precipitation… “and today is a ‘yellow’ day” or whatever.)
Okay, so I called the Department of Health and Human Services and they never heard of this guy “Roland Dalet”. Not on the roster anywhere. So I called National Public Radio.
They say it was an April Fool’s story. Ha!! What an easy way to weasel out if it. You and I both know that this is the most logical way to slide by something like this- -float a trial balloon, as it were. Let’s see if they bite.
In attempting to ferret out the information from the Health and Human Services Department operatives it took four separate calls to different offices to substantiate, or perhaps, unsubstantiate, this story.
“Hello, are you going to have pet health insurance?”
“Hode on why I check.”
And I’m thinking “they don’t know right off the bat?”
Four people reached at various extensions around the building could not verify that this was a hoax. I told them what I have told you- -what I heard on the radio- -and asked if this could possibly have been an April Fool’s story. I asked one woman in the press office if anyone had called to check it out. She said no one had. Now that either means no one was listening very closely to the radio- -Hey!- -I was stuck in L A traffic- -What else is there to do? (Yes, I know: read, fix my hair in the mirror, freshen my latte, talk on the phone, write in my journal, change my shirt, have something to eat, file my nails, apply my make-up- -wait!! I don’t wear make-up!! These are just a few of the things you can witness while driving in Los Angles. Oh, and the most important?- -Reloading.) Or it means I was the only one suckered in. Hmmm…
Well that’s obviously it. I was the only one dumb enough to hear this story on National Public Radio- -an outfit so staid that even the overnight weekend announcers still must wear a suit and tie or they don’t get on the radio- -and fall for it. Who knew they had a sense of humor? I wonder how many other stories they put on are fabrications? The Car Guys? Will Shortz Puzzles? The Sharon and Arafat show? Maybe not.
I’ll never listen to them again without questioning: Is this audio report really from Ramallah, or is it just sound effects from the back production studio?
I’m going to go lie down by my dish and think about it.
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