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Danny |
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Yes I write to you today wearing a western-style bandanna around my nose and mouth to protect me from breathing any undesirable airborne viral particulates- -also known as germs. I know the preferred surgical mask is worn throughout Asia these days, and also by my dentist, but I figured I’m out here in the American West and this would look more traditional. Okay- -I’m in Los Angeles and I really have no idea what’s in style. I just know that I’m not going to walk around wearing one of those E R disguises because I relate much better to Roy Rogers, Hopalong Cassidy and Clint Eastwood. In the movies only the bad guys wore their bandannas as masks, but in real life cowboys wore them to keep from breathing dust and stuff. Of course the main disease I am trying to protect myself from is SARS, which stands for Something Awful (which can make you) Real Sick. So I’m sticking with my Antonio Bandanna. Like many things such as spaghetti, SARS started in China. It is the latest in a recent line of infectious hideous things that will kill you: HIV, Ebola, The Fox News Channel. And of course, one of the requirements to get on this list is that there is no known cure. This disease starts out with flu-like symptoms, and you don’t know if you have it until after your flu-like symptoms don’t clear up for two weeks. Then, what, when you’re near death you go to the doctor? Of course he’s wearing a surgical mask. But, you say, I’ve had flu-like symptoms that last an entire New England winter, often referred to as the “annual cold”. Those of us from the rust belt even name a season after it- -“The Cold And Flu Season”- -which comes after fall, and then some time after winter sets in, but before the “spring” winter season, which explains snow in April. And why do we call all these different viruses “flu” you ask? Because they are all contagious and transported in the same way- -they fly through the air- -they “flew”. Also many of them come from exotic places, such as Hong Kong- -remember the “Hong Kong Flu”? Or Swineland- -remember the “Swine Flu”?- -which is sort of the answer to the old saw “when pigs fly”. Of course, if you have an old saw and it’s worth anything, you might consider selling it on Ebay. Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome is affecting more fashion stylings than just the choice of face mask you wear. Remember that most of this is focused in Asia so far, and has only spread to other isolated pockets of the world thanks to the modern miracle of air travel. The other thing originating from all parts of Asia is clothing. About half of what we wear is made there somewhere, especially China. So soon, because the fashion industry is starting to take a hit, everyone will be just as in style as I am- -old Levis and Tee-shirts. Of course, this is one instance where before you wear what you wear, you should- -sing along- -“look for the Union label”. It’s really hard to tell if there is any headway on containing the disease because it’s defined in different ways in different places. Sometimes you have to wait until someone gets better, and then they say, “Oh, he just had a cold.” But some patients may have the same symptoms and end up dying, and then they say “Oh, he had SARS.” There are some rather indelicate ways of testing for SARS using stool and urine samples, which is important if this is your kind of hobby. For instance, this is good to know in the cases involving airline travel because of the common-use toilets aboard aircraft- -and we all know how much fun those can be by the end of a long flight from Asia. (Hint: Take a strong narcotic and sleep the whole way. Do your business when you land.) The World Health Organization (WHO- -not to be confused with those guys who did Tommy) have developed tests in which the SARS virus can survive 36 hours in sterilized stool on a plastered wall or a formica surface, and 72 hours on a plastic surface or stainless steel. (I don’t even want to think about what process they use to sterilize- -latex gloves and a popsicle stick? And who thought of this anyway?) “How was work today, dear? Do anything fun?” “Maybe I should tell you after we eat. What are we having?” “Refried beans. Yum.” Like every other weird disease that has cropped up in the past twenty or so years, mad scientists will devise a cure, or at least a treatment, in some darkened laboratory somewhere. In the meantime, wear a mask and gloves to open every package from Asia, which could include your new TV or stereo, and postpone that Shanghai vacation. Meantime, I hope the only SARS you experience is in SARSaparilla.
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