5-28-02, Danny McBride
Rather Knot
By Danny McBride
IPS Features
CBS News Anchor Dan Rather has himself in a bit of a pickle this week as he tries to explain just exactly what he meant in remarks he made about Attorney General John Ashcroft on the nationally syndicated Imus In The Morning radio program.
Dan now says Ashcroft is out to get him and “sully up my reputation”. He’s as mad as a flooded-out gopher in a West Texas gully-wumper. He’s hotter than a naked chicken at pillow-stuffing time. He’s as het up as a jackrabbit in mating season. He’s as - -well, you get the idea. Dan’s rippin’ mad.
See, Dan has this theory, call it a hunch, that last summer, before 9-11, when John Ashcroft decided to stop flying commercial airliners and take only government private jets at a cost of $1600 an hour all based on some inside tips he got about his safety, that there’s been a bit of a cloud covering up the real truth of what may have happened. Rather says Ashcroft knew more than he told the American public about the threats to air travel, and should have told us it might not be safe to fly. Ashcroft counters by saying the threats were personal to him and had nothing to do with terrorists. Maybe someone had heard him sing. He has a CD singing with Senators Trent Lott (R-MS), Jim Jeffords (R-VT) and Larry Craig (R-ID) which is pretty borderline awful, although its value as a humorous novelty should not be underrated.
Of course, Dan Rather feels that Ashcroft is not only covering up his real reasons for switching from the friendly skies to the Gulfstream, but that because CBS News ran this story recently, Ashcroft has been out to get Dan. Rather says the AG’s people called around various newspapers to “try to plant some negative stories” about him, although he didn’t say what they might have been. Perhaps it was about his musical performance with R.E.M. on the David Letterman Show a couple of years ago.
Which of course leads to the obvious resolution: Karaoke night.
That these two men do not much care for each other is no secret. John Ashcroft, the defeated Missouri Senator- -remember- -he got beaten by a dead guy- -Democratic Governor Mel Carnahan, his son and a campaign aid were tragically killed in a small plane crash on October 16, 2000, just three weeks before the election. The late Governor Carnahan still handily beat freshman Senator Ashcroft. The acting Governor, Lt Governor Roger Wilson, said he would name someone to fill the seat- -it turned out to be Jean Carnahan, the Governor’s widow- -but John Ashcroft got beaten by “X The Unknown”. Missouri citizens voted for “whoever the Democrats wanted to appoint” rather than have John Ashcroft have a second term as senator. How’s that for “Show Me”? More like “Show Me Anyone But Ashcroft”.
So Mr Ashcroft got a consolation prize. After others rejected the position, he became George W Bush’s Attorney General. His nomination did not exactly sail through Congress, and since that time he has distinguished himself by covering statues with drapes, attempting to set back the clock on social issues to the 1850s and trying to keep any and all information he can about just about everything from the public and the press.
Mr Rather, it will come as no surprise, is a little less conservative than Mr Ashcroft. In fact, as the object of Bernard Goldberg’s tedious book Bias, a #1 New York Times best seller earlier this year, it is made clear that Dan Rather is a bit of a liberal. Gosh, I’m so shocked. And, what, the sun comes up in the east? Goldberg whines a sour grapes whine as only a fired employee can, that Dan Rather is, as the title implies, BIASED. Wheely? And that would make Attorney General Ashcroft allegedly one of his prime targets for dispute. Which- -DUH! - -makes Rather one of Ashcroft’s targets.
See, we have a little terrorism action going on right now. We’re supposed to be on alert, even though most of the country is paying no attention. It would be better for us all if we had ANY accurate information, even if that means the Attorney General has to answer the questions of CBS News, or anyone, for that matter.
So I suggest a friendly night of karaoke. A songfest to let off a little steam. Ashcroft might do Steve Miller’s Jet Airliner, and Rather could counter with R.E.M.’s What’s The Frequency, Kenneth based on Rather’s own true life experiences on the streets of New York. And if that doesn’t settle things, Ashcroft could go to the Peter, Paul & Mary classic Leavin’ On A Jet Plane, penned by John Denver in one of those prophetic moments, because that’s exactly how John Denver left us- -flying a plane. Rather could counter with one of the country classics he sings on Letterman, maybe Big Bad John. Or do that train whistle sound effect he can do and sing Wabash Cannonball. Who knows? It might relieve some of the tension. It’s tighter now than the rusted lug nuts on a ’55 Ford. It’s shakier than cafeteria Jell-O. It’s gettin’ nasty enough to gag a buzzard. These guys are as nervous as pigs in a packing plant. They should cool off. It’s hotter than an armadillo’s hide at a West Texas Fourth of July picnic. You get the gist. Dan’s got a million of them.
So Ashcroft took private jets and Rather still doesn’t have anthrax. So what? Stop this foolishness, both of you, and go catch me some bad guys. What’s the chances of that? When will you stop playing games with our safety? What’s the color alert for today?
What’s The Frequency, Kenneth?
NOTE:
Broadcast transcripts are available at http://newsmax.com
Fans of the Singing Senators may buy the CD from their local Republican Party
-30-
Return to Current IPS Features