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Danny |
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Sing: “All the leaves are brown and this guy is Gray…” Gray Davis, that is. And it’s not just the leaves that are falling down around the California Governor’s head, it’s everything that could possibly be his worst nightmare. Here he is a paltry $38 billion in the red and facing a recall by right-wing religious wackos that actually has some chance of succeeding, and he’s whistling past the graveyard as if not much is wrong. An interview he gave to Los Angeles news radio station KFWB had all the conviction of George McGovern saying that he was behind Thomas Eagleton 1000%. And we all remember what happened to Vice-President Eagleton’s career. We have troops bogged down in Afghanistan, stuck in the quagmire of a terminally long haul in Iraq, not to mention troops in Korea, Kosovo and soon Liberia. What could possibly be next? Sacramento. Time to call out the National Guard to retake the California state capitol. It may be as Gray Davis says: “It’s just a bunch of sour grapes by a bunch of sore losers.” But those sore losers have been paid a dollar a signature to gather up enough names- -over a million- -to force a never-attempted recall measure here in California. And who’s behind all of this? Why, a convicted car thief who went into the car alarm business and made millions. Only in America. What-a-country! He’s Representative Darrell Issa, a Republican from the San Diego area, serving his second term in Congress. Here’s a guy who not only stole a Maserati from a car dealership with his brother when he was a teenager, which he admits involved a knife- -he has a misdemeanor conviction on a weapons charge while he was a college student in Michigan. He claims that the gun was a tiny pistol that was never loaded or fired. He also has been accused of bringing a weapon to a business meeting in Ohio, but no charges were filed, and he was also not charged in a 1982 arson fire at his manufacturing plant just weeks after the insurance coverage was increased. Look up “sleazy” in the dictionary and you’ll find his picture. Now Congressman Issa wants to be governor. And rather than wait the requisite four years for the next regularly scheduled election- -actually only three now- -he’s decided to go with a never-before-used legal loophole designed to rid the state of crooks and thieves, should they be elected. And, hey! What better person to attempt this but someone who is himself an admitted, convicted crook and thief. You can’t make this stuff up. And what’s even better, he has aligned himself with right-wing religious zealots who live behind the Orange Curtain in super-conservative Orange County California- -yes the home of Disneyland- -which is not the only place where one of the lead characters is Goofy. Remember “B-1 Bob” Dornan? Here, Pat Buchanan is considered a liberal. These people hate Gray Davis so much they will try whatever they can to get rid of him. In the election just past, Governor Davis won rëelection because his Republican opponent was under indictment for having misused $78 million of his clients’ money. But he said he loved Jesus, so all the kooks voted for him in the primary to be the Republican candidate over such moderates as former Los Angeles Mayor Richard Riordan. Riordan, who has proven to be a consummate politician able to cobble together coalitions of Democrats and Republicans to actually accomplish things, would have easily beaten Davis if presented to a statewide electorate, but he couldn’t get past the ideologues who hold primaries hostage. So Bill Simon, Junior, the son of the one-time Treasury Secretary, pinned his hopes on unseating the sitting Governor- -that is, until he was charged with mishandling funds. And by the way, are you ready for what business he was in? First let me ask you- -Do you have a cell phone? Does anyone in your household have a cell phone? Do you know anyone who actually does not have a cell phone? Yeah, I know one or two people who don’t have one either, but okay, most people now do. Well Bill Simon, Junior was in the PAY phone business. The only people who use pay phones anymore are drug dealers or kidnappers demanding ransom money who don’t want their calls traced. Pay phones are disappearing from city streets faster than the horse-drawn fruit vendor. By the way, what does the Darrell Issa Car Alarm sound like? “Issa Governor! Issa Governor!” But Gray Davis can still say “No you isn’t! I’ze the governor.” From car thief to election thief. Mr Issa should win the “Ann Coulter black-pointy-hat-and-matching-broom” award. But wait!! There’s more. There’s The Terminator. Ahhnold. “Hasta la vista, Baby. I’ll be Bach. Say, Bach vas from Vienna too. Or maybe dat vas Brahms. Yaw, I had an uncle who died in a Nazi concentration camp- -Fell out of a guard tower. Da Von Trapp family- -dey vas from Austria too. And funny ting is- -I can’t keep my Von Trapp shut either. I tink Californians vould love a governor wid an accent. And you just always thought it would be a Spanish accent. Maximilian had an accent. I could be like him- -except I would be Tax-a-million. We’re in rough shape, baby- -I’d have to do it. Or I vould force da legislature to sit through Kindergarten Cop many times.” And so, in keeping with the spirit of all this, I would like to announce my candidacy too. I know it will be a handicap that I actually have a college degree, was born here, and have never been convicted of a crime, but hey!! According to the rules, I only need to collect 65 signatures and a filing fee of $3,500. Sign your name. Put the state another $30 million in the red. That’s what a special election would probably cost. Okay- -I have to go stand in front of Ralphs Market and harass people. I’d tell you more, but that’s all I can recall.
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