Brush-A-Brush-A-Brush-Ah!
By Danny McBride
IPS Features

Bucky Beaver used to sing that toothpaste jingle on the original Mickey Mouse Club Show, the one with Annette and Cubby and all the gang.  That was before Power Rangers.

“Brush-abrush-abrush-ah, here’s the new Ipana, with the brand new flavor, it’s dandy for your tee-eeth.”  You can actually go hear it online if you like, along with tons of other old commercials at an NBC site called http://members.nbci.com/TVBreak/  (Note: no www!)

“You’ll wonder where the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.” There are tons more. (Bucky boasts that Ipana is actually better than fluoride toothpaste.  Crest was the first, and the competition all choked while gargling, which is what did them in, plus the fluoride additive which supposedly prevented cavities and trips to the dentist.)

I was also checking out an old-timey auction site which has relics from the 20^th Century, such as an Atwater-Kent radio, a Burroughs Electric Carriage Typewriter, heck, even a Studebaker and a DeSoto, both from the 30s.  And there among the relics, of course, are some products like Budweiser and Ovaltine which have been with us forever.  This stuff is all in mint condition, especially the toothpaste, which is mint flavored and in mint condition and going for $40 a tube.  Ipana.  $40.  Probably didn’t cost 39 cents.

It’s fun to check out items from by-gone days, before tamper-proof caps, shrink-wrap packaging, and warning labels. Warning labels!! 

I just noticed that my present popular brand of toothpaste has a warning label.  If you use more than a dollop the size of a pea and swallow any by accident, you are warned to call the Poison Control Center.  This is a MAJOR BRAND we all know.  Poison Control?  I think I’ll switch to brushing my teeth with cream cheese.

Right on the side of the tube of one of the world’s best known brands, with us through all these decades, it says: “If you accidentally swallow more than used for brushing, seek professional assistance or contact a Poison Control Center immediately.”  Yikes!!

“Hello, Poison Control?”

“Yes, what have you swallowed?  Gasoline?  Paint thinner?  Yoo-Hoo?”

“Well, no, I was brushing my teeth and I accidentally swallowed some toothpaste.  I need professional assistance.  It says so right on the tube.”

“This is a gag, right?  I’m sorry.  We’re busy.  Take some Ipecac.  That’s a real gag.”

I don’t seem to remember toothpaste being something requiring a poison control label, but sure enough,  the FDA made them do it.  All fluoride toothpastes manufactured after April 1997 must carry a more emphatic warning about fluoride on their tubes of toothpaste.  The warning was instituted because the FDA believes that all substances it considers drugs should be labeled with a recommendation to seek professional help in cases of excess ingestion.

What exactly is excess toothpaste ingestion?  This is a problem?

“Never mind dinner, Honey, I’m not hungry.  I had a lot of toothpaste at lunch.”

Poison control centers receive hundreds of calls a day, about half of them relate to children under two.  The most common drug involved in poisoning is acetaminophen, according to a recent study by the Massachusetts Poison Control System.   Statistics for toothpaste poisoning  were unavailable, but it is true that even small amounts of fluoride, which is an element found in abundance in the Earth’s crust all over the world, are cumulative and toxic at relatively low doses.   It is said to contribute to causing arthritis.  Even dinosaurs had it in them from eating plants and drinking water.  Maybe that explains why they are gone.  They had good teeth, however.

A study in the Czech Republic in 1995 by Professor Dr Jan Kabelik found that hemp mixed with tooth powder was vital to maintaining healthy tooth pulp.  Now we’re talking.  Tooth pulp is that stuff inside your teeth that goes bad causing you to need a root canal.  I say who needs root canal when we can use Dr Kabelik’s treatment?  Czech please.

Listening to the old commercials and viewing the now historic artifacts of a by-gone century is one of the nostalgic pleasures of surfing the web.  You can get lost for hours.

Of course then you are going to need a snack.  And then you are going to have to brush your teeth.  And then you may accidentally poison yourself.  And then- -Aaahh!!  Stop now.

Recently there was a gathering in Nashua, NH, of the 26^th annual National Toothpick Holders Collectors Society which claims over 700 members from all parts of the country.

Perhaps as many as 10,000 toothpick holders were made back in the early 1900s when picking your teeth in public was still considered acceptable.  They have pretty much gone the way of the spittoon and the snuff tin, but there was a time when every set of dishes came with not only a butter dish and sugar bowl and creamer, but a toothpick holder as well.  Old ones made by companies such as Tiffany’s are worth hundreds of dollars today.

People of  Asia, the Middle East and parts of Africa have used the branches of the Siwak    (Peelu) tree for centuries to clean their teeth and prevent cavities.  They make a tooth powder that’s a sawdust-like material.  And neither the toothpicks nor the Siwak tree are poisonous. 

Progress?  You be the judge.  Who knew that cleaning your teeth could be a brush with danger?

Okay.  Shut the Colgate on your way out.  I’ve Crested.  Hope you’ve enjoyed the Close-Up.  I Aim to please.  Okay I’ll stop before I get a Pepso-dent to my jaw.  Ultra Brite, yes?  It’s the Gleem in my eye.  Maybe I should just raise my Arm, and Hammer.  Gag!!

I’ve got to call the Poison Control Center.  I’ve just swallowed my pride.

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