9-16-01, Danny McBride, 909 words
Hot Purse Suit
By Danny McBride
IPS Features
A recent headline in The Los Angeles Daily News caught my attention: “Purse Snatcher Found To Be Sane”. Say what??
To me anybody who goes near a woman’s purse who is not the actual woman owner of said purse is definitely not sane. I mean you could get severely injured and not just when she bops you on the head and says “Hey, Buster, whaddaya think you’re doing?”
If you should ever stick your own hand inside a purse, which occasionally you may be asked to do by your wife/girlfriend/mother/whomever as in “Honey, would you hand me my hairbrush, please. It’s right there on top in my purse” you are liable to be stabbed, mutilated or worse by foreign and unknown objects just lying in wait to impale you, cut you or heck, bite you.
Who knows what’s in a woman’s purse? Probably not even the woman herself.
I have a lady friend who is forever misplacing her keys, her lipstick and lots of other necessities, requiring her to dump the entire contents of her purse on some convenient flat surface, such as a nearby open space of floor- -the only place large enough to hold all the contents that come tumbling out. The item in question is usually located, but there is often a gasp of surprise when some other item turns up as well. “Is that where this was all this time? I thought I’d lost it.”
Now before I go any further I should point out that The Daily News story, written by staff writer Karen Maeshiro, never goes into all the various reasons why the convicted man might not have been sane, except to quote some lawyer involved in the case. The fact that he went anywhere near a woman’s purse ought to prove insanity in and of itself.
But wait!! There’s more!! This proves it!!
Here’s the lead paragraph datelined Lancaster, California (near Los Angeles): “A Lancaster man who worked as a minister and a car salesman faces about 20 years in prison after a jury that convicted him in a string of purse snatches rejected his claim that he was insane at the time of the crime.”
What’s wrong with that sentence? “…20 years in prison…?” “…insane at the time of the crime…?” No. I’ll tell you what: “…worked as a minister and a car salesman…” What kind of insane combination is that?
At the risk of offending one of my close friends who actually is a car salesman- -and would never be mistaken for a man of the cloth- -let me just say that here you have a guy involved in one profession which espouses the ultimate truth, as it were, and also in another profession which preaches the word of God. No wait. One which supposedly preaches the word of truth and one that more than likely conceals it.
“Yes it was only driven to and from church by a retired librarian.”
What he should be saying is “It was lost in a flood and only recovered when the water receded enough because a fire engine pumper-truck was sucking up the water to put out the fire which ended up scorching the vehicle just before the head-on wreck into the light pole which permanently bent the frame. Other than that, it’s a fine car. And by the way, come on by on Sunday and hear my sermon about the lost sheep.” That’s usually the guy wandering around the used car lot looking for an honest deal.
Other facts of the case are revealed in the news account, which to me prove the guy is nuts. He was accused of taking, and trying to take, women’s purses as they entered or left a Target store. You know what they sell in Target: Clothes. SHOES. It’s a wonder he wasn’t pummeled right there on the spot.
He was apprehended while driving away from an Albertson’s market after a woman got his license plate number. It doesn’t say what it was, but it would be great if it were one of those vanity plates: “PURSE SNEAKITY”. “STEALS ON WHEELS”. Or “GOD FRAUD”.
One of the witnesses at the trial said he was “smiling when he took the purses” and another said “he was laughing” and still a third said “he looked out of it”. But the jury didn’t buy it. They said he was sane. They must have been sequestered too long.
This trial lasted seven days, three days of which were spent on the sanity phase. Let me just add one more thing: NUTS!! The guy is NUTS!!
The poor sap had his wife and his mother testify on his behalf. They said he had a rough childhood. I guess so. He’s got an even rougher 20 years ahead of him. Maybe he can hit it off with the prison chaplain. It will be a change from his usual routine.
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here now to bring our offerings before the Lord. Please put your entire purse in the collection plate. Amen. Oh, and by the way, I’ve got a great deal on a 94 Buick after the service. Come on down. We’re wheelin’. We’re dealin’. We’re practically givin’ them away. It’s such a deal- -it’s a steal. Glory be!!”
Could he actually say that with a straight face?
Well, I suppose his lips would be pursed.
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