9-20-02, Danny McBride
Iraq No Phobia
By Danny McBride
IPS Features
Insanity. No other word for it. That the leader of a country should decide that it’s alright to invade another country on grounds of deterring what might happen, whether it’s known whether or not it will happen. This is the logic of a Madman, like the one who invaded Kuwait in the summer of 1990. Here she comes. I spied her.
Except that the Madman of whom I speak is not Saddam- -It’s George “Wha-Hoo” Bush.
“Yee-Ha!! If the United Nations Security Council won’t deal with the problem, the United States and some of our friends will. If I knew the names of the countries that are our friends, I’d tell you. But that’s not important right now. Anyway, we’re gonna go get that Saddam guy and them Iraqis once and for all. We’ll whomp-’em and a-stomp-’em, a-whoop him and a-shtup-’em- -we’ll beat-’em and defeat-’em- -we’ll smack-’em and a-wack-’em. And if that ain’t enough, dag-nabbit, we’ll blow their brains out. If you want to keep the peace, you’ve got to have the authorization to use force. I’m the law in these here parts, and what I say goes. Now you boys up on Congress Hill gimme some kinda damn resolution sayin’ just that. Or you’ll all be toast come November election time. People vote for winners in wartime. I got me a 70% approval rating and I can do any damn thing I please. Hell, I might even invade Poland and Czechoslovakia and Austria just so the world knows who I am. Say what? There is no more Czechoslovakia? Well then, how about Greenland?”
Everyone knows that Saddam Hussein has sent a letter to the UN saying “Okay- -weapons inspectors!! Come on back!! I was just having a little fun. Seriously, you guys can look around wherever you want. Heck, I’ll even let you smell my armpit”. (Note: Watch the videos of Saddam shaking hands with people. I’m not making this up. They lean in to his right armpit for a sniff. Honest. It’s part of his ritual greeting. I guess they win something if they guess the “fragrance of the day”.)
So the United Nations is going to get it together and send back the weapons inspectors to check to see if Saddam really does or does not have biological, chemical or primitive nuclear weapons- -weapons of mass destruction- -if they’re dropped on you when you’re saying mass, you lose.
And the Security Council is going to come up with another couple of resolutions that say Saddam has to abide by the other resolutions from before that he ignored, or, or- -well, that’s the part that’s left implied but not specified.
So Saint George The Dragon Slayer has guaranteed that he is going to go and slam dunk Saddam regardless of what the United Nations says- -that would be regardless of the collective thinking of all the major civilized countries on Earth.
Now once again I’m out of the loop here. Despite these poll ratings- -and by the way- -did anybody ask you? Me neither. Despite these ratings, everybody I know is against fighting Iraq at this time for what seems to be no new reason. Sure Saddam’s a thug and a slime ball too oily to touch without rubber gloves- -but this isn’t exactly news.
WHERE’S OSAMA BIN LADEN??? Buffalo? Lackawanna? North Tonawanda? Driving medical students to Shoney’s in Georgia for a late-night breakfast? That’s where that waitress overheard those three guys talking about who-knows-what before their 17-hour nightmare in Florida’s “Alligator Alley - - no, not where alligators bowl- -the cross-Florida state highway which was closed for a day until authorities realized that these guys had nothing more than heartburn from eating at Shoney’s.
We have this “Orange Alert” status going on right now- -and orange you glad I mentioned it? We are on the highest state of terrorist alert other than actual attack. So why aren’t we tending to “Job One”- -getting these wackos before they strike again. They found some in Singapore this week. Maybe they’ll cane them into submission.
We’ve got to stop this Iraq nonsense and get back to finding the people who are ready to blow up our local mall or airport or football stadium. Saddam will be right where he is. We can get him later if we still think we need to.
I know with the November election coming it would be good to turn our collective attentions away from health care, prescription drugs, the sagging economy and lost jobs, and put a box office hit up on the screen. But we shouldn’t do it. Wouldn’t be prudent.
Speaking at the UN, the Iraqi foreign minister said “I hereby declare before you that Iraq is totally clear of all nuclear, chemical and biological weapons.” To which George Bush replied, when asked by reporters, that he did not hear the speech but that it was “the same old song and dance we’ve heard for eleven years.” So if you didn’t hear the speech, how do you know it’s the same as we’ve heard for eleven years? Just curious.
I hope the Senate has the huevos to tell the president he’s out of line. The kind of invasion and “regime change” the president is trying to sell us is Un-American. We don’t do that kind of thing. That’s one of the great fundamentals of this country that makes us who we are. If we do this we will have lost our moral edge. We will be no better than they are. And that’s pretty sad. It will be the end of the greatest democracy on earth and it will put us in a class with any other empire that’s tried to rule the world. And any check of a history book will show you that that turning point is when the greatest previous empires, say Rome, for example, lost it.
George, we’d all like to tell Saddam “You are the weakest link- -Goodbye”. But let’s get the terrorists first. Saddam isn’t going to blow up my kid’s school. But terrorists might.
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