HMO by Danny McBride, 1,011 words

HMO Over A Barrel
by Danny McBride

Have you been to the doctor lately? Or will you need to go eventually? I hope it’s nothing serious, although the experience will be.

I had to go to the doctor recently and I’m fine now, but before I went I had to discuss my reason for going with a total stranger. Had to? Yup. I had to call 1-800-R-U-SURE-YOU’RE-SICK and tell the voice on the other end of the line what I felt was wrong with me to see if my visit would be approved by my health care plan. It took a few minutes while I listened to some toe-tapping on-hold Muzak-style version of The Allman Brothers classic "Ramblin’ Man." (Man, if I were Dicky Betts, I’d be more irritated about this than being dropped from the band for the summer tour.)

Finally a dull sounding person came on the line. I was asked for all the relevant numbers and codes--social security number, plan ID number, name of health plan member if not head of household, mother’s maiden name, participant resources services department contact person, dog’s middle name, next of kin, their next of kin if not me, dog’s next of kin.

After what seemed like a really long pause--reason for calling, "I need to go to the doctor!"

"We’ll see about that!!"

We’ve all been through this, especially if we have attained a certain age, and, we’ve also, many of us, been through this as part of the "head of household" category calling on behalf of family members who are either too young, too old, or heaven forbid, too ill, to do this for themselves.

My health plan sends out a little newsletter from time to time. I guess they want me to think they really care. The most recent issue had as its "Healthy Tips" topic "How To Relieve Stress—Facts About Hypertension". Relieve stress? How about starting by making it easier for me to see the doctor when I feel I need to see the doctor, not when some "care specialist" from the insurance company feels I need to.

Imagine taking your car into your mechanic, and before he can change the oil or give the car a tune up, he has to call a guy who is not a mechanic and has never driven a car to get the okay to do the work. "Yes, but use the cheap stuff."

Think about going to a fine restaurant on your anniversary and ordering a specialty-of-the-house meal, and the renowned chef must first call someone who couldn’t identify a spatula to get the okay before he can begin cooking. "Couldn’t they just have a burger?"

We wouldn’t stand for this. Why do we when it comes to our bodies’ well-being?

Mostly because we don’t know any better. And because we’re scared. They MUST know--they do this all the time. But the truth is we are so right back to the snake-oil medicine-show hoodwinks of a hundred years ago. No matter what the advances in medical technology are, we the consumer are no smarter than when our forebears paid a dollar a bottle for horse liniment after being told it would cure all ills. And as long as we sit still for this kind of treatment, and in a waiting room with last month’s magazines, the longer it will continue. Medicine for profit. Snake oil or HMO--same thing. (By the way, HMO really stands for Human Meatball Operation.)

Now understand me.--Services rendered must be paid for- -Nobody’s suggesting they shouldn’t be. But making a profit from human suffering is so amoral and so repugnant as to be defined as criminal behavior. My guess is one day it will be.

When I was a boy, tobacco was everywhere in our culture. Now smoking is only about a notch higher on the socially-accepted-behavior scale than public urination.

Remember the spittoon? The snuff box? Just as we now have universal indoor plumbing, the day will come when we are all in charge of our own internal plumbing as well. We don’t have to take this strapped to a gurney. It can be changed.

Okay how? Well first, don’t get sick. That’ll teach them. So many of the things that become wrong with us are a result of lifestyle choices, just like smoking. Just don’t do it. Eating crap. Just don’t do it. Exercise. Do it. Common sense rules. We all know these things, we just need the willpower to follow through.

For all the healthy-looking people you see on TV there are millions of others sitting on the sofa stuffing themselves with junk food watching these healthy-looking people. Turn off the TV and buy a goldfish. It’s far more entertaining. Especially if you try to take it for a walk. The urge to sit and watch the flickering light is primal. It goes back to the days of harnessing the power of fire and sitting around it at night watching the fire. But there were no fat cave men. Hello, survival of the fittest? Of course, there was no health insurance either. You got mauled by the Cave Bear you were on your own. Or were you? Nurturing and caregiving are an innate part of the human spirit. Chances are everyone in the tribe helped out. The Shaman didn’t overcharge for his services. You didn’t have to check with someone in participant services to see if you could be healed. "I’m sorry, you cannot use the good magic-shaker-bones for this." Sure our technology has come light years into the future. Has our compassion?

We are the only "civilized" country in the industrialized world that has a healthcare for profit system. Aren’t you ashamed? We should evaluate our culture on how we treat those less fortunate. You don’t have the right job and you get hurt--tough luck?

What’s next, religion for profit?

Actually that’s a pretty good idea. Build a theme park, a water slide, an air-conditioned dog house. Oh, wait a minute--I think it’s been done.