Dear Crabby, 563 words
Dear Crabby
By Miss Crabby
IPS Features
Dear Crabby: My husband snores so loud it sounds like a train coming through our bedroom. At the very moment I doze off, he lets loose and I seldom get a wink of sleep. Sleepless in Savannah
Dear Sleepless: I’ve had an epidemic of letters lately complaining about a snoring mate. You’re not only sleepless, you are also brainless. Any drugstore has earplugs for a buck or two. Is that too much to pay for a good nights sleep? But be sure to keep your head off the track when your old man comes roaring through. There’s a good chance he may want you headless.
Dear Crabby: My doctor keeps telling me to exercise. He wants me to walk at least two miles a day. When I get home from the office, I am just too tired to walk. All I want to do is get in bed. Is there any way I can get some exercise? Flabby in Fort Smith
Dear Flabby: Certainly. Find a hypnotist and get the command planted in your subconscious to sleepwalk. My lawyer tells me to urge you not to do this if you sleep upstairs. I told him I was hoping you had that much sense but he said, "Never over-estimate the intelligence of your readers." So sleep on the ground floor. Even better, sleep in the yard. My lawyer is standing here telling not to tell you to sleep in the yard if you live near an interstate or have a neighbor with a Rottweiler. Aw forget it. Get up an hour early and walk to work, stopping along the way for a few pushups on the curb.
Dear Crabby: I am thinking of having my wife committed. She recently asked me to give her a complete massage. It really shocked me. She’s been kissing me on the ear and slightly biting my ear lobe. While I’m sipping my beer and watching Monday Night Football, she walks around the den in a thin nightie. First time in 25 years of marriage she has carried on this way. Do you think she’s crazy? Shocked in Sylacauga
Dear Shocked: There are three definite signs of mental illness in your wife’s behavior. First, when she married you. Second, living with you for 25 years. Third, thinking she could make a lover out of a loser. Please do have her committed. She might meet a good man in the loony bin.
Dear Crabby: I guess I am orthopedically deformed. My left foot takes a 9D shoe and my right foot takes a 10D. When I buy nines, they cramp my right foot and create corns. When I buy a ten, they jiggle around on my left foot and create blisters. I can’t go on living this way and am contemplating suicide. I am baffled and my wife and doctor are stumped. Please tell me what to do! Deformed in Del Rio
Dear Deformed: The fact that neither you, your wife, nor doctor have realized you could buy two pairs of 9Ds and two pairs of the same style in 10Ds and use one of each daily, prompts me to question your choice of a wife and doctor and your reason for being sent to this planet. The thing that really stumps me is how you ever learned a big word like "orthopedically."
If you have a problem, you can e-mail it to Dear Crabby, IPSFeatures@aol.com. She will give personal attention to all her attention will allow.
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