Dear Crabby, 410 words
Dear Crabby
By Miss Crabby
IPS Features
Dear Crabby: I have spots all over
me. I mean every square inch of my body.
What should I do? ~Tony from Madison
Dear Tony: Get back in
your cage. They only let you out for the Sugar Flakes commercial.
Dear Crabby: My husband goes fishing
every day. Gets up before the chickens and gets home after they’ve gone to
roost. He brings in a big string of fish every time and expects me to clean and
cook them. Just today he brought home at least 25 or 30 Crappie. Any
suggestions? ~A fisherman’s slave, Lake Como
Dear Slave: Yes, I have a
suggestion. Call me when you’re cooking up Crappie. I love them things.
Dear Crabby: I am not a prude and
don’t really see anything wrong with an occasional beer. But my old man drinks
a half dozen beers every night and then comes to bed in a romantic mood. How can
I break him? ~Leona from Sedona
Dear Leona: Smear
sardines on his pillow and when he asks you if you smell anything funny, just
sniff the pillow and say, "Smells like beer to me." If he has a
moustache wait til he goes to sleep and smear a little on it. It’s just a
small suggestion but you may want to wait til his romantic mood wears off for
the moustache part.
Dear Crabby: My neighbor’s wife
calls me every morning after her man leaves for work and whispers, "He’s
gone now! The coast is clear!" Crabby, we live two hours from the beach.
How does she know the coast is clear? ~Clyde from Titus
Dear Clyde: I think she
learned it from your wife. She has been pulling that trick on guys for years.
Dear Crabby: I watched the
Republican convention and got so excited I wanted to rush out and vote for Bush.
I watched the Reform convention and Buchanan’s speech fired me up so much I
decided to vote for him. I watched the Democratic convention and was so
enraptured I switched to Gore. I wish we had a convention every night. I’d
never watch anything else, not even "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire."
Should I call the networks and ask them to program a different convention every
night? ~First time voter from Rimrock
Dear First Time: No, call
the National Brain Bank. Tell them exactly what you just told me and I promise
you, you will get the next available brain.
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If you have a problem, you can e-mail it to Dear Crabby, pop@ipspress.com. She will give personal attention to all her attention will allow.
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