Dear Crabby, 302 words
Dear Crabby
By Miss Crabby
IPS Features
Dear Crabby: Why do people pull up beside my car at traffic lights and turn their rap music up so high it rattles my brain? ~Buford, Dirtbomb AR
It could be that "Visit the Country Music Museum" bumper strip. Get rid of it, dummy.
Dear Crabby: You told me to buy some ear plugs so I could shut out my neighbor's barking dogs and get some sleep at night, but last Sunday I forgot to take them out. I went to church and didn't hear a word the preacher said. I thought I had been struck deaf. Several people told me it was an awful sermon. ~Priscilla, Ardmore AL
So....what's the problem?
Dear Crabby: I am running for the school board but my false teeth don't fit and when I get up to make a speech my teeth click and clatter. Should I drop out if the race? ~Izzy Igloo, Snowbank AK
Izzy, no one will notice your teeth clicking and clattering in Alaska. That's the only advantage to living there. You're really disgusting. George Washington got elected President with wooden teeth. Count your blessings, you ungrateful icicle.
Dear Crabby: I don't vote because all the politicians are crooked and dumb. I've studied politics all my life but can't figure out what's wrong with this country. Where can I go to find out? ~Ted, Buffalo Breath, MT
Walk slowly through your house until you find a mirror and the answer will mysteriously materialize right before your very eyes.
Dear Crabby: I writ you a year ago about my husbeens sardine breath, then I writ agin about that prissy old made teacher not passing my Elroy, and you ain't never ansered none of my letters. Pleaze tell me why? ~Bertie, Flat Tire TN
I am allergic to idiots.
If you have a problem, you can e-mail it to Dear Crabby, IPSFeatures@aol.com. She will give personal attention to all her attention will allow.
-30-