6-4-02, Lisa Laird
Lisa's Lair
By Lisa Laird
IPS Features
THERE ARE NO PLACES LIKE THESE HOMES
I find myself casually flipping through department store
catalogs that arrive in the mail now and then; you know, the types that display
curtains, pillows, towels, etc. I
don’t know about the rest of you, but my living quarters don’t look like
anything resembling those advertised. I
almost get the urge to redecorate when I see these coordinated items generating
so much pizzazz. Almost.
Pillows must be hot sellers these days; consumers seem
to really dig them. I say this
because several pictures exhibited nine pillows, yes, nine…I counted them,
consisting of various sizes and shapes on the model beds. The question is this:
When it’s time to hit the hay do you squeeze into the little space
unoccupied by these fluffy, stuffed cases, or, do you simply toss them on a
chair, night table, or perhaps the floor? I’d
imagine they make for some wild and crazy pillow fights.
The bedspreads match the pillows, which match the
curtains, which match the vases containing freshly cut floral arrangements.
These are garnished with peculiar, okay, weird, modern art, ceramic bowls
and teacups with saucers. And a few
pieces of fruit scattered around to make the room look “lived in.”
Quaint and cutesy works well in fairy tales; and since the children’s
rooms are spotlessly adorable, we know it’s a tall tale.
I’m satisfied with clean sheets, two cuddly pillows, and a warm
comforter.
Let’s move along to the model kitchens.
First of all, they appear to be the size of small catering halls.
Everything is immaculate, shiny, and coordinated.
Even the perfectly positioned place mats accent the countertops,
curtains, and flooring. In real
life, the brilliant white linoleum floors are dull and scuffed, if not also
dingy. There is nothing out of
place, no scattered utility bills on the tables or dirty dishes in the sinks.
Perhaps a towel seemingly thrown haphazardly onto a chair can be seen to
create the illusion of imperfection. Again,
fruit is displayed, perhaps sliced on a dish.
Just once, I’d love to witness a stainless steel pot containing
marinara sauce overflowing on the stove and splattering everywhere.
If they couldn’t bear to show that, I’d settle for a refrigerator
covered with disarrayed papers secured by a dozen magnets. The ones companies
give away with their printed logos for advertisement purposes.
The living rooms are furnished ballrooms.
Tango, anyone? Cathedral ceilings, king-sized windows, and unique
knickknacks posing as relics, are all pieces of the master plan.
If it weren’t for the sofas and coffee tables, I’d
think I was gazing at St. Patrick’s Cathedral.
Or, at the very least, my local parish.
What time is Mass?
I saved the best for last…the lavatories.
These luxury boxes don’t resemble the majority of bathrooms I’ve seen
in homes; maybe I’m running with the wrong crowd, but I doubt it.
The photos depict hardwood floors, decorative plates on the walls, and
color- coordinated shower curtains, rugs, and towels carefully shelved in size
and color order.
Candle stands, tissue stands, and vanity benches are
also displayed as part of the production, along with lots of plants and flowers.
At least there’s no loitering fruit.
Yes, indeed, these elegant model homes are enchanting;
however, they are man-made and woman-made illusions (notice my political
correctness) causing delusions to reinforce the mirage that average families
live within such perceived comfort zones.
In actuality, these models are misleading, fictional, and therefore,
essentially vacant.
Real life is imperfect with its trials and tribulations.
A picture-perfect house with no signs of flaws and wear can be paralleled
to that of an unlived life.
And there’s nothing charming about that.
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